part of the mighty grudnuk creations empire

Vegemite For Morons

A step-by-step guide to using the greatest spread in the world.
(If you don't agree, you're just an uncultured barbarian, and probably a Seppo. )

October 2006 Update: The Seppos have banned it! As that article said, there's no accounting for taste. Stupid bastards.

Further Update: Or maybe not... Who knows? Anyway, here's how you do it right.
(For advanced topics such as Vegemite Milkshakes, well, we might get to that one day.)

1. Firstly, one needs a hunk of bread. None of this new-fangled presliced necromancy for us! I prefer wholegrain, since I find white is bland and starchy and dull. Plus the dietary fibre reportedly helps to prevent bowel cancer and that. Plus you can pick the grains out of your teeth for hours afterwards! 2. Cut off a slice. You won't be able to perform this step on aircraft because breadknives tend to be a bit bitey and people don't like that sort of thing around them on planes. So you might have to go with the sliced bread necromancy. 3. Pop yonder slice into toaster, adjust the dial to your preferred level, and depress the lever. Alternatively, set your neighbours car on fire and toast the bread on that.
4. The star of the show! We might as well get it out now. NB: You cannot do this with Marmite. Marmite is weak and feeble. And as for Dick Smith's mooted patriotic alternative, we're expecting that out around the same time as the new Guns'N'Roses album. Then, if we're sufficiently impressed (that'll be a tough ask), we might do a new photo shoot. (Note: It's been nearly four years since I wrote this guide, and Axl still hasn't come up with the goods. Amazing.) 5. Ahh! The toast is ready! Mind that you don't burn your fingers getting it out. 6. You can either use butter, if you don't have a problem with the idea of cows being fondled every morning for your indulgence, or margarine, which may well be made with GM-modified canola oil, the royalties of certain varieties of which bankrolls Monsanto's plan to buy up water rights around the world and resell them at exhorbitant rates, not to mention encouraging the use of Roundup willy-nilly on canola pastures. (But then the manufacturers of Vegemite, Kraft, are owned by Phillip Morris, and they've got karma to spare as well, eh?) Here, we're using some frankensteinian blend of butter and sunflower oil, referred to as 'dairy soft', for this role.
7. Smear butter or whatever it is all over toast. Ooooh yeah. Did someone say "Last Tango In Paris"? 8. Finally, scrape up some Vegemite out of the jar, not too much, mind. For a typical slice of toast, two spatules of about this much ought to do. Pity we've thrown the scale out of whack by doing the stylish shot with the background out of focus, but it's about the size of the first knuckle on your index finger. Food stylists for celebrity chef programs we are not. 9. And there you go. All you have to do now is eat it and savour the effect of the salty tang of the Vegemite merging with the gooey butter set against the wheaty crispiness of the immaculately toasted bread. If your face screws up into a gurning cramp whilst eating it, you've obviously used too much. Try again.